i'm home

so i could use covid-19 as an excuse for why i haven't written anything here in over a month, but i was in a slump before this all hit. australia to scotland was a really difficult transition - culturally, socially, mentally, meteorologically, etc. i spent my first week in edinburgh migrating between cafes, buying clothes at charity shops, going to open mic nights, and trying to make myself feel at home despite a horde of rowdy french rugby fans in my hostel. i bought a pair of black boots with a little heel and i wore them everyday because walking in heels makes me feel like i'm going somewhere. i went back to a co-op two days in a row to finish a book that they had in their library. i performed a piece of poetry and then at a zine-making event a few days later, someone told me they heard my poetry and they liked it. things got better. i found my corner, using a powerful combination of digging through facebook events, walking everywhere, letting myself feel bummed, and calling people i love.

the internship started and it was a bizarre shift in tone from how my year had been going so far, especially in contrast to my life in australia. suddenly, i had responsibilities. they gave me a shirt that said researcher on the back and gave me a sheet to learn to identify the chimps and invited me to a lab meeting and to their weekly post-work gatherings. i marveled to my mother over the phone that i had made a big pot of curry and packed some away for my lunch which i would heat up at "work" in the "break room" during my "lunch hour". stability felt unfamiliar. buying groceries was thrilling; having a purpose was a relief. my coworkers were kind and supportive and the chimps were fascinating. then, the thing happened.

it is funny that my trip ended at this point. the greatest instability struck at the point at which i was living the most conventionally stable life. but i think it was probably the best time i could have stopped. i was tired, being 7 months in, and the majority of the remainder of the trip would have consisted of two internships which i will hopefully be able to reschedule.

i have been home for 6 days and things could be worse. i am spending a lot of time watching tv, redecorating my bedroom, and, most recently, cutting my hair at 3am. it is snowing outside and i feel very at ease. yesterday, i went outside and it felt scary and uncanny and uncomfortable. this city is super saturated with memories and residual teenage angst and people from my past and present. it is overwhelming to go from being a stranger to everyone to feeling like every building knows your name. but it is better for me to be here than anywhere else. probably. i am sorting through my things and my brain and hopefully when i get to set off again, it can be for even longer. maybe i'll do a whole nother year. or maybe i won't. but those things aren't important now. all i am focusing on is what i can do to make myself feel calm and cared for right now, though sometimes i allow myself to dream about future plans or global change. all to say: i am okay. i hope you are okay, too. i hope that soon we will all be okay, maybe even okayer than we were before.