more gender things

my orangutan tour guide happened to be a biologist. an ornithologist, more specifically. after spending my tour with a lovely family from boston, he took me around the town and we chatted about ecotourism and our research. although i knew he had a wife and he had been nothing but kind to me, i still hesitated when he told me to put my hands on his shoulders while riding on the back of his motorcycle. when he asked if i wanted to get coffee, to which i of course agreed because coffee, we went a little farther than i expected and i worried that he was taking me to his home or somewhere secluded. i didn't let myself just fucking enjoy this wonderful human being's kindness because i kept thinking something was around the corner. one of his friends gave me a cheesy pickup line about being an angel, but that was the worst of it. i was so sorry i doubted him when he dropped me off at my hostel, safe and sound.

the other day, my first night in indonesia, i met a man on the street who took me to a cool night market. he didn't get too close when he spoke to me, which made me feel relatively safe. and i was safe. but when we were sitting with a woman who only spoke indonesian, he translated and told me she wanted to know if i have a boyfriend. i said that i did, which i always do when someone on the street asks me that. to which he said, "haha yes i am your boyfriend" and i said, "haha no". he pulled me in to kiss him on the cheek when we parted ways, which led to me awkwardly hovering an inch from his face until he let me go.

when i was in tanzania, we went out with my host family's friend. he asked why i hadn't had children yet, and i told him i was a student. he told me he would wait for me, wait for me to done school so that i could have his children. i stared at the ground. my host family laughed. he asked for my number at the end of the dinner, but my host mother said "mama hataki (mama doesn't want)". i sang these words at him when he asked again, giddy with the relief that i didn't have to fabricate an excuse in a language that i was still learning.

navigating interactions with men is weird. it will always be weird. most of the people who talk to me here are men, so it's just something i have to deal with.

but their eyes burn little holes in my skin.