there has been no wi-fi

it wasn't just me being negligent, i swear. i've been writing a lot, so here are some bits and pieces.

october ninth

i feel the slowness of my brain the same way i did when i was in ushongo (the beach village i stayed in for my independent study in tanzania). it's amazing how different i feel from last week. last week, i was holed up in a hotel room feeling horrible physically and mentally and wishing i could be home for rosh hashana. as soon as i got to the farm, my mood shifted. doing nothing is okay here because it is earned. i've been cleaning and weeding and painting signs and reading anne of green gables and eating curry and it all feels very peaceful. even when i lie in bed doing nothing i can't get down on myself because i'm culturally immersing, kinda. something i didn't really realize about the city is that when there is so much to do, you feel as though you have to do it all. there is arguably very little to do on this farm so i don't feel bad not doing it. reading anne of green gables helped a lot. it helped me remember how much i love to romanticize. you can make anything romantic if you're a good writer, and i am at least an okay writer. the other thing the farm has made me realize is how addicted to sugar i am! they don't put sugar in anything besides coffee, it seems. so i started taking a little portion of dahl at the end and putting sugar in it to give the effect of dessert. i even once just mixed granulated sugar into plain room-temperature white rice and ate it, crunching on the sugar crystals. it's ridiculous. i've been having a lot of sugar cravings lately, more so than at home for sure. maybe because at home there's sugar in everything anyway. or maybe because it gives me comfort.

october fourteenth

i have felt a little slumpy. kind of asleep? i have been eating so much that i rarely feel hungry before i'm eating again. i think i do it to pass the time. or to keep track of time.

october twenty-second

it's funny how easily i doubt whether or not i am where i need to be and also how easily i can be convinced that i am where i need to be. right now, i can't imagine being anywhere else.

october twenty-fourth

"i was just reading about how america fucked everything up here"

said from inside a domed mosquito net

which i had been admiring

because my mosquito net is always collapsing in on me

and the middle of it hangs so low that it rests on my hip when i sleep

she tells me she'd been admiring mine

"it's more romantic"

but romantic does not always mean functional

and often it means the opposite